5 Day's To Go...Maybe

What an experience. There are even things that I entirely and albeit unintentionally gave up on in an effort to succeed in other areas. Overall I have to say that I am quite pleased with this whole endeavor.

I'm 40 days in and I feel like at least have something physical to show for it. Eleven inches lost in the distance between my bust and thighs, and just over eight pounds. I'm so amazed. Despite my once a week indulgence I have shed some serious Mel. I did something active a few times a week, slightly less than my hopeful four time per week goal. The last two weeks I have been sick so I have got off the active bandwagon. This week will be the return of all things healthy.

I continue to struggle with the meditation. I am not getting enough sleep. I definitely let that slip. But the food has made up for the energy lost in lack of sleep to a degree. My head feels clearer and I feel more productive overall.

I have not experienced a spiritual awakening, I was really hoping for some inspiration in this department. I have been feeling more calm and positive though. I've really been making an effort to think positively. It's easier to do this when you feel good about yourself I've been finding.

An interesting thing happens when you exercise self control in your life, it is empowering. So often we laugh off our weakness with our friends when partaking in indulgences. It's really not a fulfilling way to live. Most often participating in this form of denial, and usually some form of self harm we use the initial slip-up as an excuse to continue into a downward spiral of everything we want to avoid. It's a slippery slope, as they say. To be free of this cyclical pit and exercise self control, it it's own way is much more freeing. Taking care of yourself and freeing yourself to feel good by letting go of the cultural norms and indulgent desires let's you become someone you are intended to be.

Our bodies are so incredibly, wouldn't it be so fulfilling to help it become the thing it was made to be, instead of pushing it to see how much it can take before it starts giving it up?

For this reason, I am planning on continuing on this journey beyond lent. I want to feel good, to feel in control of myself. I want to keep grounded and know who I am. I'm the only thing I can control in this life, I may as well make it count.

Halfway Struggle

This is around the time that I start to let little things slide. The time when my actual lifestyle isn't meshing with my new regime. I get frustrated and cheat. That's right, I said it...cheat.

When I cheat I get really hard on myself. It's a cyclical thing.

 I feel my self judgement is somewhat justified...

The process  is this. I don't want to do something. I'm tempted by something. I may not full on give in but I dabble. I feel bad. I get frustrated and down and then all caution to the wind I full blown cheat. WHAT?

I can see it coming, it's like deep down I want to get discouraged so I can justify cheating. It's like this inner psychological battle in trying to trick my self, though if I stop for a second I can see what's going on.

This is why I feel I can be annoyed with myself. I'm sure that everyone goes through this to a degree. I feel like I'm too sneaky even for myself.

I had a noodle soup the other day - processed with wheat noodles.... And the next day, chicken and gravy... I even skipped dance by staying at work late... the downward spiral is beginning.

I had a really great sleep last night, I think this is where I went wrong to start with. I had 2 terrible sleeps over the weekend, I'm hormonal and tired. All goes down the tubes when this happens. SEE?! Everything is connected.

Cyclical.

Grace.

Grace has to fit into the circle. It can't just be a negative cycle. I can't get stronger and wiser if I'm doing the right thing out of self loathing or defeat.

I'm going to start fresh today. I had a rough week last week. I shall move on and learn from this sneaky deviant inside. It won't get the best of me.

2 Weeks Into Lent

Well I have to say that things are going well. Not perfect, but pretty good.

My food stuff for the most part has been good. I cheated once this week because I was over at a friends for dinner and his dad bought dessert for us... it was worth it.  I think I need to eat a bit more. I resort to not eating if I can't think of anything. But for the most part I've been eating 3 times a day at least.

Sleep regime is a little more challenging. I have been pretty good about getting to bed early, but I was reading a good book so I would end up reading for a couple hours which kind of defeats the purpose. I need to make an effort to do that.

Exercise has been pretty good. I've been going to dance 3 times a week which I love. How many people can say that about their exercise? I will do some yoga today. I've been weighing myself and I've lost a couple pounds and inches, most of which was water but I don't care, I look and feel better. I've actually noticed my skin looking so much better. I look flush and healthy. It's amazing what a difference taking our processed crap out of a diet can make such a difference. And I'm still eating sugar, just in the form of honey. I have some honey everyday and I still feel great.

Meditation has been more challenging with not sleeping as much as I should. I have been getting through my readings but I need to improve this for a more meaningful time.

Let the Lent Begin

The first couple of days have been good. I was not prepared enough for the beginning of lent, I have been struggling with the food issue. Not eating isn't a successful means of getting healthy. Thank goodness I can eat lots at work! That's been my saving grace. 

I feel positive, I feel encouraged. I got my ass kicked in ballet yesterday, it was awesome. The instructor knows that I have experience dancing (I'm in an intro class at the mo') so he picks on me which is great because the class would be way too easy otherwise. I had a few revelations that made me feel stronger almost immediately. What a difference. I've already noticed myself standing taller because of it. I'll fill you in...pretend there are strings attached to the bottom tip of each of your shoulder blades. Now picture some one gently pulling the strings down so that your shoulder blades slide down your back and your shoulders drop. VOILA! Bang... you've dropped your shoulders, your abs tighten, your back is strengthened. Oh, now lift your chin a bit. I've got to remember this one.

I've weighed and measured myself. I don't know if this will be exciting or just depressing. We will see. I really want this to be a life style change that sticks for me. Feeling as good about myself as possible, for me and my partner. I need to curb the stress hormones with exercise, they attract undesireable weight gain in the worst places. Bastards. Does that count as swearing? I don't think so.

Lent 2012: Giving Up Unhealthy

I find that Lent is the only time of year that I have enough self control to follow through on giving up things that would otherwise be something I enjoy even if it's not the greatest for me. It is the one time that I'm not just doing it for myself. It has been nice to go through this with friends who are going through the similar journey. My 40 day journey this year will be "giving up unhealthy". 

While wrestling thorough what to give up this year, I kept running into the idea that everything was so connected. Let's say I wanted to give up being negative (which I do), I would then think "well when I don't get enough sleep, or exercise, or eat right, this is almost impossible". All of the character building things I wanted to do revolved around my lifestyle as a whole. Having a sound mind to make wise choices for myself is so difficult when the rest of my life is off kilter. 

I started seeing a councilor a while back and she was saying that I am too hard on myself. After one session she gave me some homework. She asked me to do things for myself. She wanted me to ensure an early bedtime was a regular occurrence and that 30 minutes before I wanted to be in bed I would start getting ready. Like when you were a kid and you had a routine. The point was to focus on taking care of and doing things for myself.

I tried this and it really made a difference. I immediately didn't feel like I was always rushing around so much, like I didn't have any time for myself. Since then I have been really trying to enforce a 10 o'clock bedtime. It makes life so much easier, and happier.

Our bodies are so interconnected with our mind and soul. This is why for lent this year I am going to take a more holistic approach. Here is an outline of my ambitious venture. 

Physical

Food:

I am going to try and avoid anything processed or refined. Including grains and sugar.

I will consume:

• Meat (not deep fried but any other preparation within reason)
• Fruit & Veg 
• Quinoa
• Honey & Maple Syrup
• Minimal Dairy

 I will not consume:

• Grains
• Legumes (lentils, chickpeas etc)
• Refined Sugar (white, brown etc) - including candy.... 
• No Processed Foods (unless it has been home canned by myself, a friend or other reliable sources)
• Booze

Exercise

My goal is to exercise a minimum of four times per week in any of the following: 

• Ballet
• Yoga
• Gym

Mental/Spiritual

My goal is to find a balance. I want to be more loving, patient and humble. I want to learn to keep my mouth shut when I'm pissed off. 

Mental

• Bed By 10pm
• Waking Up at 7:30am
• Think Positively, Don't Get Lost In Negativity
• Give Me A Break: Show Grace to Myself.
• Controlling My Tongue: Swearing, Negative Talk, Gossip etc.

Spiritual

This is all made possible by daily focus on the reason I am doing lent in the first place. Sacrificing for the sacrifice that was made for me. 

• Daily Meditation
• reading, praying, stillness, etc.  

AMBITIOUS?! I know... I want to be a better person. A person worthy of the call.... y'know?

Graceful Suffering

Once again I attempt the Blog. I don't know why I don't do it. It's such a great place to talk and think. I am by nature a very open person who journals and I feel the need to hold back in a forum such as this. It's hard not to get too personal as that is my natural inclination. And as some people discovered when beginning their blog adventures, this isn't a private space.

This past year has been busy, stressful, interesting, fun and I have evolved. I can't say it's been the best. I've never felt more stressed, never experienced the physical affects of stress in this way and never felt that I needed to get out of this world more. Not in a, "I'm going to kill myself" way, just in a "this can't be worth it" way. But then you get through it, you learn, you change, you get stronger. I can't believe what humans can endure. I am not saying in the slightest that my life is harder than the average person. I have a wonderful life, a wonderful husband and family, a great job, and a fabulous boss. Who could ask for more? What I'm saying is that just when you think you can't take any more, you can. Most of the time you are wiser and stronger for having gone through it.

I have to admit that there were times this past year when I thought, there was no way I was going to make it. But I did, and I will. So much of struggle is psychological. This is where I want to grow. I want to learn the art of positivity. I want to become a person that faces struggle with more grace and patience than I do. Doing this is impossible (I believe) if you are not in the right physical space. Everything is so connected to each other. This will tie in with this years lent - a fresh start...