Today's writing challenge is to write about something I've accomplished and am proud of.
This time two years ago I was a mess.
Despite the fact that my husband was my best friend, we were just that, friends. We were able to laugh through arguments, and most things. We would laugh at anything we could and were very much alike in a lot of ways. We were really in sync for the most part, but we were unhappy in our marriage. I never considered divorce, it was something we had decided before we were married. We wouldn't be failures, we would make it work. So the thought of 'giving up' was not an option.
I got myself tangled up into an affair. Something I never thought possible. My husband and I had always been painfully honest with anything of the sort. Despite any arguments this previous honesty may have caused, we talked through it and were better off because of it. I have always been an honest person and all of a sudden I was withholding information, avoiding people so I didn't have to lie, and when necessary, lying - which ended up being most of the time. It was eating me up inside. I was disgusted with myself and my ability to live this way. How did this morph into something so out of control.
I alienated myself from friends, family and my husband. I avoided coming home and was caught up, blind and self assured. I was medicating with fleeting emotion. I put on weight, I was lying, stressed and running from place to place frantically. My career was a restaurant general manager and looking back I don't know how I compartmentalized the way I did. Perhaps it was just survival, work was my escape from the pressure of personal life and obligations.
Even before this all started I remember thinking to myself 'If someone gave me the option to stay on earth and carry on living or be taken out of this world I would most definitely opt out.' I was not suicidal, but I did not care if I lived or died. Life did not give me anything. I wasn't getting anything out of it. I was a constant disappointment to myself and (I thought) my husband. I had no self-control or self-discipline. I was not who I ever imagined I would be. I was my own let down.
Just before Christmas my husband asked me if I was having an affair (he asked once before and I denied it). This time I told him the truth. One of the worst times in both of our lives. After the Christmas holiday was over and many discussions we decided to end our marriage, not just because of the affair, the affair was a decision made from a place of hurt and disappointment. A much longer story for another day.
I dated the other guy for another year and not too much had changed. I was getting bigger, more unhealthy, not much order returned to my life. I thought I would be able to pick up normal life again. I was still un-motivated and not doing anything positive for myself. I was feeling trapped.
One day in february last year I quit smoking. My work had endured a massive flooding and would be closed for a couple months. My hours shifted to a more 9-5 style and I was able to start exercising regularly. I had a close friend by my-virtual-side. He would check in, encourage me to keep it up and challenge me with my next physical feat. About six weeks after this journey began I decided it was time to get out of the unhealthy relationship. Now I was free to focus on me, my health, and my journey. I had to re-acquaint with myself again. It had be 10 years since I had been alone. Who the heck am I and what do I want?
I've always craved physical fitness and longed for it. I danced when I was younger and over the years have done ballet and contemporary on and off. It feeds my soul. So does sport. I love the challenge, and working on a team. But this journey I had started was all me. I really wanted to work up endurance to join a running group that was geared towards people in the restaurant industry. They usually ran around 7k or 8k and this seemed lunatic to me. I remember doing my first full 2k. It was a crazy exciting achievement.
With every increasing kilometre added to my runs my confidence continued to build, some emotion would shed, some revelation would reveal itself. I began to really focus on goal setting and journaling through introspective questions. The Live Your Legend workbooks really changed a lot for me. I wrote down my goals and visions for my life, short and long term, as well as career goal setting.
Since then here are some of the achievements:
I have quit smoking
I have lost 25lbs
I am more fit than I have been ever
I feel happier than I ever have
I have cut ties with unhealthy relationships in my life
I have become a part of a community that supports my positive lifestyle
I have met some friends who cheer me on in my journey
I have made a dear friend who I can joyrney with
I have run two half-marathons
I shaved 21 minutes off my second half-marathon (that's a whole minute/km)
I am finding my voice
I have gotten out of a career which consumed my emotion, time and health
I have started a job with less responsibility to give myself time to heal, and clarify where I'm heading
I have energy to be thoughtful
I have been healed in many areas of my life and past
I have healed some relationships that suffered due to my past decisions
I have re-connected with my faith in a way that has never been
I have a desire to do things outside myself
My world feels big and hopeful
I have a new curiosity and playfulness for life
From darkness into the light. I am a part of The Joyful Dance.
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Thankfulness and Things I Love
Today's topic is supposed to relate to what people thank me for, or things I love to help people with.
I love to give advice that could free.
Not un-welcomed forceful advice. Like a good brainstorm 'let's figure this thing out' advice. I like to think I'm rational and have some capability to offer insight and healthy guidance. Looking at our life's puzzles can get really blurry after you have stared at it for a long time. Getting an outside perspective could crack it wide open and help find solutions for greatness!
I love encouraging people.
So many of us walk around with burdens in our lives. It becomes normal and no matter how heavy or painful it is for us, we get used to it and work around it. We evolve our daily existence around the very things that hold us back. We accommodate the pain, we don't fight it.
Any small relief or lifting of that weight is like a huge gulp of fresh air and perhaps even a glimpse or whisper of hope can be seen. Something as small as someone recognizing a fraction of your greatness can lift you out from your head and free you for a moment to gulp the fresh air, to lean in, to scan for the glimpse of hope in the distance. To have any part in this is a privilege. The beautiful thing of it is, it is life giving to both parties.
As most of us know our emotional and physical are very tightly knit friends. Being able to encourage someone through personal goal setting or a physical transformation is something that I get really pumped over. It's not just about them feeling better in their body, though this is an amazing part of the journey. Often times this process becomes a healing process for their whole being. That is beautiful, and to have the honour to participate in the slightest is humbling.
I love to give advice that could free.
Not un-welcomed forceful advice. Like a good brainstorm 'let's figure this thing out' advice. I like to think I'm rational and have some capability to offer insight and healthy guidance. Looking at our life's puzzles can get really blurry after you have stared at it for a long time. Getting an outside perspective could crack it wide open and help find solutions for greatness!
I love encouraging people.
So many of us walk around with burdens in our lives. It becomes normal and no matter how heavy or painful it is for us, we get used to it and work around it. We evolve our daily existence around the very things that hold us back. We accommodate the pain, we don't fight it.
Any small relief or lifting of that weight is like a huge gulp of fresh air and perhaps even a glimpse or whisper of hope can be seen. Something as small as someone recognizing a fraction of your greatness can lift you out from your head and free you for a moment to gulp the fresh air, to lean in, to scan for the glimpse of hope in the distance. To have any part in this is a privilege. The beautiful thing of it is, it is life giving to both parties.
As most of us know our emotional and physical are very tightly knit friends. Being able to encourage someone through personal goal setting or a physical transformation is something that I get really pumped over. It's not just about them feeling better in their body, though this is an amazing part of the journey. Often times this process becomes a healing process for their whole being. That is beautiful, and to have the honour to participate in the slightest is humbling.
Friday, November 4, 2016
Blog Challenge
I don't believe I can call myself a blogger, as you can see I don't have many posts over the last 6 years. I have decided to take on a blog challenge through Live Your Legend. I've been journaling through their resources and have found it life altering. It has provided so much clarity in my life's goals as well as a self awareness for some of my passion and talent that I was not clearly aware of 6 months ago.
Today's blog challenge is talking about something that really makes me angry in the world. It's difficult to pick just one but here it goes:
Accessibility to good wholesome food.
Although I have not been keeping up with my food politics, it is something which I feel deeply about. I actually stopped researching and reading about it because I reached a point where I felt defeated. I would get so worked up and angry talking about it. I found I became the fired up preachy person, a quality which I disliked greatly in others as well as myself. I had to take a step back. Chill out.
Food accessibility is a massive issue globally as well as locally, for time sake I am going to brush the topic of local food access, specifically within the school systems. While I was growing up, I don't remember there being any shortage of cookies, fries and gravy, bagels with bacon and cheese (how I loved those breakfast treats...) and a large array of other deep fried items in the school cafeteria. I don't remember if there were vegetables, what teen would? With so many options of junk and a full life of making up for all the crap you consume as a teen, you could worry about that later... This was normal. At any given lunch period you could look around the cafeteria and see pubescent teens huddled around large plates of fries soaked in a pool of gravy. The fries and gravy cost $4 from what I remember.
Why on earth would any caretaker of young people have this on the list of options for the teens to choose from? Our junk food loving, zero control, and general lack of food education set us up for complete failure. I did it every day I could afford it. I loved every minute of it.
What I didn't love was the insatiable hunger that I got about an hour after lunch because the food I had consumed did not feed me in the holistic sense of the word. The simple carbs, starch and sodium tricked my body into thinking I was full and then it wanted to binge on those half baked doughy caf' cookies all afternoon. I also didn't love the lack of energy, focus, and overall health. I didn't love that I had a really hard time in school.
I would laugh off my lack of focus and chalk it up to ADD and boredom. I would quietly tell myself it was because I wasn't smart enough. I would go home defeated and ignore homework for all the same reasons I didn't do well in class. I'm not blaming all of my school issues on the cafeteria's food selection and my poor adolescent food choices however I do believe that they had a great impact on my success (or lack thereof) in school.
If there was food education in schools and access to healthy food, cooked well, school would have probably been an entirely different experience for me. It took me years to unlearn a lot of those habits and I still struggle.
Schools need to have better health and food education from a young age. Teach about the beauty of seasonality, the nuances of delicious seasonal veg, and how to prepare it in a way that is delicious and exciting, not 'lets just steam the s**t out of it and hope they eat it'. Teach them about animals, connect them to the land again. Help instil a sense of respect and connection to the food and land and the hands that raise it. We need to alter how we relate to food. We need to teach our children how beautiful real food is and why it is so important to the integrity of their growth and success.
Today's blog challenge is talking about something that really makes me angry in the world. It's difficult to pick just one but here it goes:
Accessibility to good wholesome food.
Although I have not been keeping up with my food politics, it is something which I feel deeply about. I actually stopped researching and reading about it because I reached a point where I felt defeated. I would get so worked up and angry talking about it. I found I became the fired up preachy person, a quality which I disliked greatly in others as well as myself. I had to take a step back. Chill out.
Food accessibility is a massive issue globally as well as locally, for time sake I am going to brush the topic of local food access, specifically within the school systems. While I was growing up, I don't remember there being any shortage of cookies, fries and gravy, bagels with bacon and cheese (how I loved those breakfast treats...) and a large array of other deep fried items in the school cafeteria. I don't remember if there were vegetables, what teen would? With so many options of junk and a full life of making up for all the crap you consume as a teen, you could worry about that later... This was normal. At any given lunch period you could look around the cafeteria and see pubescent teens huddled around large plates of fries soaked in a pool of gravy. The fries and gravy cost $4 from what I remember.
Why on earth would any caretaker of young people have this on the list of options for the teens to choose from? Our junk food loving, zero control, and general lack of food education set us up for complete failure. I did it every day I could afford it. I loved every minute of it.
What I didn't love was the insatiable hunger that I got about an hour after lunch because the food I had consumed did not feed me in the holistic sense of the word. The simple carbs, starch and sodium tricked my body into thinking I was full and then it wanted to binge on those half baked doughy caf' cookies all afternoon. I also didn't love the lack of energy, focus, and overall health. I didn't love that I had a really hard time in school.
I would laugh off my lack of focus and chalk it up to ADD and boredom. I would quietly tell myself it was because I wasn't smart enough. I would go home defeated and ignore homework for all the same reasons I didn't do well in class. I'm not blaming all of my school issues on the cafeteria's food selection and my poor adolescent food choices however I do believe that they had a great impact on my success (or lack thereof) in school.
If there was food education in schools and access to healthy food, cooked well, school would have probably been an entirely different experience for me. It took me years to unlearn a lot of those habits and I still struggle.
Schools need to have better health and food education from a young age. Teach about the beauty of seasonality, the nuances of delicious seasonal veg, and how to prepare it in a way that is delicious and exciting, not 'lets just steam the s**t out of it and hope they eat it'. Teach them about animals, connect them to the land again. Help instil a sense of respect and connection to the food and land and the hands that raise it. We need to alter how we relate to food. We need to teach our children how beautiful real food is and why it is so important to the integrity of their growth and success.
Monday, April 2, 2012
5 Day's To Go...Maybe
What an experience. There are even things that I entirely and albeit unintentionally gave up on in an effort to succeed in other areas. Overall I have to say that I am quite pleased with this whole endeavor.
I'm 40 days in and I feel like at least have something physical to show for it. Eleven inches lost in the distance between my bust and thighs, and just over eight pounds. I'm so amazed. Despite my once a week indulgence I have shed some serious Mel. I did something active a few times a week, slightly less than my hopeful four time per week goal. The last two weeks I have been sick so I have got off the active bandwagon. This week will be the return of all things healthy.
I continue to struggle with the meditation. I am not getting enough sleep. I definitely let that slip. But the food has made up for the energy lost in lack of sleep to a degree. My head feels clearer and I feel more productive overall.
I have not experienced a spiritual awakening, I was really hoping for some inspiration in this department. I have been feeling more calm and positive though. I've really been making an effort to think positively. It's easier to do this when you feel good about yourself I've been finding.
An interesting thing happens when you exercise self control in your life, it is empowering. So often we laugh off our weakness with our friends when partaking in indulgences. It's really not a fulfilling way to live. Most often participating in this form of denial, and usually some form of self harm we use the initial slip-up as an excuse to continue into a downward spiral of everything we want to avoid. It's a slippery slope, as they say. To be free of this cyclical pit and exercise self control, it it's own way is much more freeing. Taking care of yourself and freeing yourself to feel good by letting go of the cultural norms and indulgent desires let's you become someone you are intended to be.
Our bodies are so incredibly, wouldn't it be so fulfilling to help it become the thing it was made to be, instead of pushing it to see how much it can take before it starts giving it up?
For this reason, I am planning on continuing on this journey beyond lent. I want to feel good, to feel in control of myself. I want to keep grounded and know who I am. I'm the only thing I can control in this life, I may as well make it count.
I'm 40 days in and I feel like at least have something physical to show for it. Eleven inches lost in the distance between my bust and thighs, and just over eight pounds. I'm so amazed. Despite my once a week indulgence I have shed some serious Mel. I did something active a few times a week, slightly less than my hopeful four time per week goal. The last two weeks I have been sick so I have got off the active bandwagon. This week will be the return of all things healthy.
I continue to struggle with the meditation. I am not getting enough sleep. I definitely let that slip. But the food has made up for the energy lost in lack of sleep to a degree. My head feels clearer and I feel more productive overall.
I have not experienced a spiritual awakening, I was really hoping for some inspiration in this department. I have been feeling more calm and positive though. I've really been making an effort to think positively. It's easier to do this when you feel good about yourself I've been finding.
An interesting thing happens when you exercise self control in your life, it is empowering. So often we laugh off our weakness with our friends when partaking in indulgences. It's really not a fulfilling way to live. Most often participating in this form of denial, and usually some form of self harm we use the initial slip-up as an excuse to continue into a downward spiral of everything we want to avoid. It's a slippery slope, as they say. To be free of this cyclical pit and exercise self control, it it's own way is much more freeing. Taking care of yourself and freeing yourself to feel good by letting go of the cultural norms and indulgent desires let's you become someone you are intended to be.
Our bodies are so incredibly, wouldn't it be so fulfilling to help it become the thing it was made to be, instead of pushing it to see how much it can take before it starts giving it up?
For this reason, I am planning on continuing on this journey beyond lent. I want to feel good, to feel in control of myself. I want to keep grounded and know who I am. I'm the only thing I can control in this life, I may as well make it count.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Halfway Struggle
This is around the time that I start to let little things slide. The time when my actual lifestyle isn't meshing with my new regime. I get frustrated and cheat. That's right, I said it...cheat.
When I cheat I get really hard on myself. It's a cyclical thing.
I feel my self judgement is somewhat justified...
The process is this. I don't want to do something. I'm tempted by something. I may not full on give in but I dabble. I feel bad. I get frustrated and down and then all caution to the wind I full blown cheat. WHAT?
I can see it coming, it's like deep down I want to get discouraged so I can justify cheating. It's like this inner psychological battle in trying to trick my self, though if I stop for a second I can see what's going on.
This is why I feel I can be annoyed with myself. I'm sure that everyone goes through this to a degree. I feel like I'm too sneaky even for myself.
I had a noodle soup the other day - processed with wheat noodles.... And the next day, chicken and gravy... I even skipped dance by staying at work late... the downward spiral is beginning.
I had a really great sleep last night, I think this is where I went wrong to start with. I had 2 terrible sleeps over the weekend, I'm hormonal and tired. All goes down the tubes when this happens. SEE?! Everything is connected.
Cyclical.
Grace.
Grace has to fit into the circle. It can't just be a negative cycle. I can't get stronger and wiser if I'm doing the right thing out of self loathing or defeat.
I'm going to start fresh today. I had a rough week last week. I shall move on and learn from this sneaky deviant inside. It won't get the best of me.
When I cheat I get really hard on myself. It's a cyclical thing.
I feel my self judgement is somewhat justified...
The process is this. I don't want to do something. I'm tempted by something. I may not full on give in but I dabble. I feel bad. I get frustrated and down and then all caution to the wind I full blown cheat. WHAT?
I can see it coming, it's like deep down I want to get discouraged so I can justify cheating. It's like this inner psychological battle in trying to trick my self, though if I stop for a second I can see what's going on.
This is why I feel I can be annoyed with myself. I'm sure that everyone goes through this to a degree. I feel like I'm too sneaky even for myself.
I had a noodle soup the other day - processed with wheat noodles.... And the next day, chicken and gravy... I even skipped dance by staying at work late... the downward spiral is beginning.
I had a really great sleep last night, I think this is where I went wrong to start with. I had 2 terrible sleeps over the weekend, I'm hormonal and tired. All goes down the tubes when this happens. SEE?! Everything is connected.
Cyclical.
Grace.
Grace has to fit into the circle. It can't just be a negative cycle. I can't get stronger and wiser if I'm doing the right thing out of self loathing or defeat.
I'm going to start fresh today. I had a rough week last week. I shall move on and learn from this sneaky deviant inside. It won't get the best of me.
Monday, March 5, 2012
2 Weeks Into Lent
Well I have to say that things are going well. Not perfect, but pretty good.
My food stuff for the most part has been good. I cheated once this week because I was over at a friends for dinner and his dad bought dessert for us... it was worth it. I think I need to eat a bit more. I resort to not eating if I can't think of anything. But for the most part I've been eating 3 times a day at least.
Sleep regime is a little more challenging. I have been pretty good about getting to bed early, but I was reading a good book so I would end up reading for a couple hours which kind of defeats the purpose. I need to make an effort to do that.
Exercise has been pretty good. I've been going to dance 3 times a week which I love. How many people can say that about their exercise? I will do some yoga today. I've been weighing myself and I've lost a couple pounds and inches, most of which was water but I don't care, I look and feel better. I've actually noticed my skin looking so much better. I look flush and healthy. It's amazing what a difference taking our processed crap out of a diet can make such a difference. And I'm still eating sugar, just in the form of honey. I have some honey everyday and I still feel great.
Meditation has been more challenging with not sleeping as much as I should. I have been getting through my readings but I need to improve this for a more meaningful time.
My food stuff for the most part has been good. I cheated once this week because I was over at a friends for dinner and his dad bought dessert for us... it was worth it. I think I need to eat a bit more. I resort to not eating if I can't think of anything. But for the most part I've been eating 3 times a day at least.
Sleep regime is a little more challenging. I have been pretty good about getting to bed early, but I was reading a good book so I would end up reading for a couple hours which kind of defeats the purpose. I need to make an effort to do that.
Exercise has been pretty good. I've been going to dance 3 times a week which I love. How many people can say that about their exercise? I will do some yoga today. I've been weighing myself and I've lost a couple pounds and inches, most of which was water but I don't care, I look and feel better. I've actually noticed my skin looking so much better. I look flush and healthy. It's amazing what a difference taking our processed crap out of a diet can make such a difference. And I'm still eating sugar, just in the form of honey. I have some honey everyday and I still feel great.
Meditation has been more challenging with not sleeping as much as I should. I have been getting through my readings but I need to improve this for a more meaningful time.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Let the Lent Begin
The first couple of days have been good. I was not prepared enough for the beginning of lent, I have been struggling with the food issue. Not eating isn't a successful means of getting healthy. Thank goodness I can eat lots at work! That's been my saving grace.
I feel positive, I feel encouraged. I got my ass kicked in ballet yesterday, it was awesome. The instructor knows that I have experience dancing (I'm in an intro class at the mo') so he picks on me which is great because the class would be way too easy otherwise. I had a few revelations that made me feel stronger almost immediately. What a difference. I've already noticed myself standing taller because of it. I'll fill you in...pretend there are strings attached to the bottom tip of each of your shoulder blades. Now picture some one gently pulling the strings down so that your shoulder blades slide down your back and your shoulders drop. VOILA! Bang... you've dropped your shoulders, your abs tighten, your back is strengthened. Oh, now lift your chin a bit. I've got to remember this one.
I've weighed and measured myself. I don't know if this will be exciting or just depressing. We will see. I really want this to be a life style change that sticks for me. Feeling as good about myself as possible, for me and my partner. I need to curb the stress hormones with exercise, they attract undesireable weight gain in the worst places. Bastards. Does that count as swearing? I don't think so.
I feel positive, I feel encouraged. I got my ass kicked in ballet yesterday, it was awesome. The instructor knows that I have experience dancing (I'm in an intro class at the mo') so he picks on me which is great because the class would be way too easy otherwise. I had a few revelations that made me feel stronger almost immediately. What a difference. I've already noticed myself standing taller because of it. I'll fill you in...pretend there are strings attached to the bottom tip of each of your shoulder blades. Now picture some one gently pulling the strings down so that your shoulder blades slide down your back and your shoulders drop. VOILA! Bang... you've dropped your shoulders, your abs tighten, your back is strengthened. Oh, now lift your chin a bit. I've got to remember this one.
I've weighed and measured myself. I don't know if this will be exciting or just depressing. We will see. I really want this to be a life style change that sticks for me. Feeling as good about myself as possible, for me and my partner. I need to curb the stress hormones with exercise, they attract undesireable weight gain in the worst places. Bastards. Does that count as swearing? I don't think so.
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