Celebrating Victory

Today's writing challenge is to write about something I've accomplished and am proud of.

This time two years ago I was a mess.

Despite the fact that my husband was my best friend, we were just that, friends. We were able to laugh through arguments, and most things. We would laugh at anything we could and were very much alike in a lot of ways. We were really in sync for the most part, but we were unhappy in our marriage. I never considered divorce, it was something we had decided before we were married. We wouldn't be failures, we would make it work. So the thought of 'giving up' was not an option.

I got myself tangled up into an affair. Something I never thought possible. My husband and I had always been painfully honest with anything of the sort. Despite any arguments this previous honesty may have caused, we talked through it and were better off because of it. I have always been an honest person and all of a sudden I was withholding information, avoiding people so I didn't have to lie, and when necessary, lying - which ended up being most of the time. It was eating me up inside. I was disgusted with myself and my ability to live this way. How did this morph into something so out of control.

I alienated myself from friends, family and my husband. I avoided coming home and was caught up, blind and self assured. I was medicating with fleeting emotion. I put on weight, I was lying, stressed and running from place to place frantically. My career was a restaurant general manager and looking back I don't know how I compartmentalized the way I did. Perhaps it was just survival, work was my escape from the pressure of personal life and obligations.  

Even before this all started I remember thinking to myself 'If someone gave me the option to stay on earth and carry on living or be taken out of this world I would most definitely opt out.' I was not suicidal, but I did not care if I lived or died. Life did not give me anything. I wasn't getting anything out of it. I was a constant disappointment to myself and (I thought) my husband. I had no self-control or self-discipline. I was not who I ever imagined I would be. I was my own let down.

Just before Christmas my husband asked me if I was having an affair (he asked once before and I denied it). This time I told him the truth. One of the worst times in both of our lives. After the Christmas holiday was over and many discussions we decided to end our marriage, not just because of the affair, the affair was a decision made from a place of hurt and disappointment. A much longer story for another day.

I dated the other guy for another year and not too much had changed. I was getting bigger, more unhealthy, not much order returned to my life. I thought I would be able to pick up normal life again. I was still un-motivated and not doing anything positive for myself. I was feeling trapped.

One day in february last year I quit smoking. My work had endured a massive flooding and would be closed for a couple months. My hours shifted to a more 9-5 style and I was able to start exercising regularly. I had a close friend by my-virtual-side. He would check in, encourage me to keep it up and challenge me with my next physical feat. About six weeks after this journey began I decided it was time to get out of the unhealthy relationship. Now I was free to focus on me, my health, and my journey. I had to re-acquaint with myself again. It had be 10 years since I had been alone. Who the heck am I and what do I want?

I've always craved physical fitness and longed for it. I danced when I was younger and over the years have done ballet and contemporary on and off. It feeds my soul. So does sport. I love the challenge, and working on a team. But this journey I had started was all me. I really wanted to work up endurance to join a running group that was geared towards people in the restaurant industry. They usually ran around 7k or 8k and this seemed lunatic to me. I remember doing my first full 2k. It was a crazy exciting achievement.

With every increasing kilometre added to my runs my confidence continued to build, some emotion would shed, some revelation would reveal itself. I began to really focus on goal setting and journaling through introspective questions. The Live Your Legend workbooks really changed a lot for me. I wrote down my goals and visions for my life, short and long term, as well as career goal setting.

Since then here are some of the achievements:

I have quit smoking
I have lost 25lbs
I am more fit than I have been ever
I feel happier than I ever have
I have cut ties with unhealthy relationships in my life
I have become a part of a community that supports my positive lifestyle
I have met some friends who cheer me on in my journey
I have made a dear friend who I can joyrney with
I have run two half-marathons
I shaved 21 minutes off my second half-marathon (that's a whole minute/km)
I am finding my voice
I have gotten out of a career which consumed my emotion, time and health
I have started a job with less responsibility to give myself time to heal, and clarify where I'm heading
I have energy to be thoughtful
I have been healed in many areas of my life and past
I have healed some relationships that suffered due to my past decisions
I have re-connected with my faith in a way that has never been
I have a desire to do things outside myself
My world feels big and hopeful
I have a new curiosity and playfulness for life

From darkness into the light. I am a part of The Joyful Dance.